I've heard and enjoyed many muso and therapist jokes in my time, and
wondered if anyone could add to my small stock of engineer jokes. The
ones I have a

Hot Air Balloon
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts,
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet
above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to
anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me
to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met,
but now it's my fault."

THE GEOLOGIST AND THE ENGINEER
A man floating along in a hot air balloon began to realise he was lost.
He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a
little more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above a late Cambrian volcaniclastic sedimentary
sequence, 2.7 kilometres west of the Henty River near one of the major
fault structures in the region."
"You must be an geologist", said the balloonist.
"I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far".
The woman below responded, "You must be a engineer".
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are through a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise to someone that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem, but you really aren't
interested in the information I'm providing. The fact is you are in
exactly the same
situation you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Q: How can you tell if the engineer you are talking to is an extravert?

A: He looks at your shoes instead of his.

Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks:---------------
Chocolate Chip Cookies Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
ovoids
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size # 10)

·To a 2-l jacketed round reactor # 1 with an overall heat transfer
coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and
three with constant agitation.
·In a second 2-l reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating
at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the
mixture is homogenous.
·To reactor # 2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes
of the homogenous mixture in reactor # 1. Additionally, add ingredient
nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at
this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be
the result of an exothermic reaction.
·Using a screw extrude attached to a # 4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).
·Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with
Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or
until golden brown.
·Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer
table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't
have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
--- One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints."
--- Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
--- The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste
pipeline through a recreational area?"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
---The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
---The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
---The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."